why can i not just “be happy”? ive got quite the nice life when i take a step back and really think about it… its great! but there is always that…”thing”. that one thing that i always find to complain about… and its different every day, sometimes even every minute… over the last few days, i have been so topsy-turvy both physically and mentally, i am beggining to think i am fighting a losing battle with life itself: dieing slowly, falling backinto the same dark pit i have been in since… about age 13.
ive finally managed to find someone that actually feels the same way for me, that i do her… yet she lives so damn far away i rarely get to see her.
im finally out of that damn school… yet now i am bored to the point of near insanity, because i have no reason to get off my ass and do something.
i WANT to go out and get a job, but i cant find one because i look like a stoner, due to insomnia.
i have insomnia because i am always so damn depressed.
i am depressed because i just CANT FUCKING LIVE WITH BEING HAPPY.
ive always got to find SOMETHING wrong. if i dont, i get upset because i thing i am forgetting something.
ah, see, there is something i forgot to mention. i have absolutely NO memory now.
i really do hope no one notices the way i am tho… they all see me as a happy, relxed, quiet guy. and it seems to work for them. the few friends i have like me, so… i would like to keep them. but i have to act like someone i am not, to make them happy. which totally fucking sucks… i know a few of them actually understand me, the real me… the me who is speaking (well, typing) right now…
i just hope they aren’t growing tired of talking to me… like i am… god, i hate myself so much.. which worries me: Joshi… she means soo much to me… i dont think the english language has a word to describe this kinda feeling (but, as a good friend has pointed out to me a while back, other languages have words that can;t be translated into english, so… maybe that word is out there somewhere?) but.. how can i love someone, when i refuse to love myself?.. i know every time i give advice, i say “just love yourself for who you are.. it makes thngs easier” but there is no way i could ever taske that advice. i refuse. i am not worth being loved.. im not worth the fucking trouble.
i should just die.
lay in the fucking street in a black hoodie and wat for the next passing car.
or piss off a cop.
or jump infront of\under a train.
or just old-school it and try to hang myself again? it failed twice, maybe 3rd times the charm?